Swimming lessons

i should be finishing this 160 questions test that is due tomorrow or atleast working on the paper that is also due...but no! my mind won't let me. I can't concentrate enough on such minimal things. i am battling this crazy heart of mine, she keeps posing these questions, these scenarios and i can't seem to get far enough away from my past. the what if questions will anhilate anyone. i am a mess. this heart, these emotions, this life....messy. so if you are signing up to be in this with me, hold on because even i am confused.

yesterday before work i was outside the gym by the pool watching the children take swimming lessons. on the far corner were the babies and i watched in unbelief as these toddlers were taken in the water and left on their backs crying as they choked and fretfully paddled to the side. Over and over the instructor would pull them out a little farther, note the children are wailing and the parents clapping and videotaping! I was appalled, thinking to myself surely there is a better way! Yet the children weren't in any harm, the instructor was right there in the water with them and the parents close by.

i fear this may be a reflection of what i feel these days....as if God keeps pulling me back further and further from the side of the pool (safety) and i am wailing as friends and family cheer me on. my mind races....Am i losing the battle? Will i ever learn how to swim? i am longing for the lesson to be done...for someone to wrap me up in a towel and carry me home. the only problem is there will be more lessons, for the goal is not getting through each lesson rather it is learning to swim.

i got home after my spin class with pent up energy still begging to be released so i set out to explore my new neighborhood. A couple miles into the lightning filled night I found a lone swing set and I allowed my heart to be a child, vulnerable with the Lord. I shared with Him my doubt, confessed my pride and fear. I wept. If I had to associate myself with a Biblical character at this point it would be Hagar, Sarah's maidservant. I have been faithful to do what i thought i was supposed to be doing. I have laid down my life and now I am being left behind, left alone, left to perish...but I know the Lord comes and He delivers me. Hagar calls Him, the One Who Sees Me.

So here i am, i can tell you He sees me and i am on this journey still. I am learning to swim.