My mom and brother came visit me in Orlando...so we had fun times hanging at Disney and getting pedicures! Then I was in Louisiana last week to spend time with the family and paint with my Memaw....home now.
School started yesterday, so somewhere between my break down in the theological requirements for salvation and talking about where I am at with the Lord, I decided this program is alot more about getting to my heart than attaining a masters degree. I am a wrestless woman, always desiring to move to the next thing, continually uncontent with where I am....it has to stop. I can't live this way, this gypsy blood is stealing from me what I am most longing for. So that is school.
As far as my title... i have just finished Harry Potter, I know, I know....I loved it. Here is my point - Dumbledore who is Harry's mentor explains to him that the reason Harry is more powerful than the Dark Lord is because Harry has known LOVE. (key word here!) so it chapel we talked about Eph. 4:15 (community is powerful because it is united by LOVE) okay, so I race to disect Gal. 5:17 (we are continually battling the spiritual war) and it simply occured to me that we are victorious because we have known Love, Christ's love. I could go on and on...but just thought this tidbit might make some sense.
Please pray that the Lord would teach me how to be content!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Swimming lessons
i should be finishing this 160 questions test that is due tomorrow or atleast working on the paper that is also due...but no! my mind won't let me. I can't concentrate enough on such minimal things. i am battling this crazy heart of mine, she keeps posing these questions, these scenarios and i can't seem to get far enough away from my past. the what if questions will anhilate anyone. i am a mess. this heart, these emotions, this life....messy. so if you are signing up to be in this with me, hold on because even i am confused.
yesterday before work i was outside the gym by the pool watching the children take swimming lessons. on the far corner were the babies and i watched in unbelief as these toddlers were taken in the water and left on their backs crying as they choked and fretfully paddled to the side. Over and over the instructor would pull them out a little farther, note the children are wailing and the parents clapping and videotaping! I was appalled, thinking to myself surely there is a better way! Yet the children weren't in any harm, the instructor was right there in the water with them and the parents close by.
i fear this may be a reflection of what i feel these days....as if God keeps pulling me back further and further from the side of the pool (safety) and i am wailing as friends and family cheer me on. my mind races....Am i losing the battle? Will i ever learn how to swim? i am longing for the lesson to be done...for someone to wrap me up in a towel and carry me home. the only problem is there will be more lessons, for the goal is not getting through each lesson rather it is learning to swim.
i got home after my spin class with pent up energy still begging to be released so i set out to explore my new neighborhood. A couple miles into the lightning filled night I found a lone swing set and I allowed my heart to be a child, vulnerable with the Lord. I shared with Him my doubt, confessed my pride and fear. I wept. If I had to associate myself with a Biblical character at this point it would be Hagar, Sarah's maidservant. I have been faithful to do what i thought i was supposed to be doing. I have laid down my life and now I am being left behind, left alone, left to perish...but I know the Lord comes and He delivers me. Hagar calls Him, the One Who Sees Me.
So here i am, i can tell you He sees me and i am on this journey still. I am learning to swim.
yesterday before work i was outside the gym by the pool watching the children take swimming lessons. on the far corner were the babies and i watched in unbelief as these toddlers were taken in the water and left on their backs crying as they choked and fretfully paddled to the side. Over and over the instructor would pull them out a little farther, note the children are wailing and the parents clapping and videotaping! I was appalled, thinking to myself surely there is a better way! Yet the children weren't in any harm, the instructor was right there in the water with them and the parents close by.
i fear this may be a reflection of what i feel these days....as if God keeps pulling me back further and further from the side of the pool (safety) and i am wailing as friends and family cheer me on. my mind races....Am i losing the battle? Will i ever learn how to swim? i am longing for the lesson to be done...for someone to wrap me up in a towel and carry me home. the only problem is there will be more lessons, for the goal is not getting through each lesson rather it is learning to swim.
i got home after my spin class with pent up energy still begging to be released so i set out to explore my new neighborhood. A couple miles into the lightning filled night I found a lone swing set and I allowed my heart to be a child, vulnerable with the Lord. I shared with Him my doubt, confessed my pride and fear. I wept. If I had to associate myself with a Biblical character at this point it would be Hagar, Sarah's maidservant. I have been faithful to do what i thought i was supposed to be doing. I have laid down my life and now I am being left behind, left alone, left to perish...but I know the Lord comes and He delivers me. Hagar calls Him, the One Who Sees Me.
So here i am, i can tell you He sees me and i am on this journey still. I am learning to swim.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Safely home....and in class!
We returned home from a great trip in Costa Rica! I am invigorated to live my life in a rainforest and live off of the medicinal herbs, speaking Spanish and eating mangos for the rest of my life!! But I have found myself in class everyday from 8-5pm and it is beginning to be a bit of a kill joy.
SSSOOO...I am holding on until mid-August when I can go on my next adventure!!! I moved into a house (not one that I bought, i decided it wasn't the best investment) but I have two great roommates!! My mom and Paul come in this weekend for fun times in Orlando....tune in next time for pictures of my mom's sexy legs!
SSSOOO...I am holding on until mid-August when I can go on my next adventure!!! I moved into a house (not one that I bought, i decided it wasn't the best investment) but I have two great roommates!! My mom and Paul come in this weekend for fun times in Orlando....tune in next time for pictures of my mom's sexy legs!
A little tidbit on what God is teaching me about myself: "Whatever comes, cannot alter one thing. If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. IT would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in cloths of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it." The Little Princess
I believe one of our most terrifying battles is being the person no one sees.
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