seeing him again

The first miracle might have been the snow we drove through…I mean snow in Texas!? I was delighted yet my delight paled in the thought of seeing him. I was so nervous. After three outfits, the only certainty was my favorite red coat that I wrapped tightly around my frame. Would he like it on me? Would he still think I was beautiful? Had he found another to love him better? It’s the feeling you have deep in your stomach when you know that you are about to see an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend after a couple of years. The insecurities run rampant in your mind. The difference here is that I still talk to him all the time, but the last three years have mostly been in anger and pain, little love. I was so nervous.

I walked into the dimly lit auditorium; I lost my breath….so scared to see Him. I remember the night so well, leaving him, with his kiss still on my lips. My mind spun…What if He doesn’t even come to see me? What if He is with someone else, a better lover? My fears were lost in a moment, before I could see His face, I was in His arms. His embrace brought tears and He held me, and never let go. There were no words, no songs, we just stayed there. I in His arms. Tears ran down both of our faces. He held me, the one who had hurt Him so much, who wounded His heart, who has been so cruel, yet His love fell on me like tears, not of pain, but of longing. Why hadn’t He found someone else after all this time? Why had He waited for my broken, lacking love? I had chosen other lovers. This whole time, He was still hoping for me.

There are no arms like those of a true lover.

The worship surrounded us and as I raised my eyes to Him, His longing found my shame. He kissed my forehead, there was no reason for shame. This was perfect love. When the tears ended, I saw His name on the screen. I don’t know how, but as I stayed in His arms, I knew He was holding each broken soul: holding the defeated man, the cutter, the motherless wife, the starving woman, the unfaithful lover….He held them, just like me. See He had been waiting, waiting for each of us to let Him love us.

The only words I was able to sing that night…..“hope which was lost now stands renewed…”

trying to downsize

Hey guys...i am trying to not have to post blogs all over the place, so I am going to stop posting on here (unless I go overseas again) and have my myspace blogs updated - please go to

http://www.myspace.com/liquidlifeline

If you want to read my blogs!! -christy

"hot yoga"

Bikram Yoga otherwise known as “hot yoga” has made it into my life this week. We rush in because our overcoats are leaking in 25 degrees air through our spandex. The warm air is a mild welcome to the instructor behind the counter who greets us in a towel! I suppress my laughter as I tell him this is my new favorite place to workout. We are calmly rushed into a room set slightly above 108F and “hot yoga” begins. Between balancing, stretching, and opening my chest “like a blossoming flower” – the detox is welcoming but what has stayed with me was two lines the instructor gave us repeatedly:

“Keep your eyes open, be right here, be all here. If you have can learn to be with yourself, you can handle anything.”

So I stared up at the water-damaged ceilings, and I was with myself. I thought about all the things I lack in and all the things I don’t, I thought about how I can’t stretch even close to as good as the girl in front of me.

“Be okay with where you are….remember, even if you move a millimeter, you have grown.”

This is good for me to hear. I am learning to be much nicer to myself as I grow. Allowing me to be not as good as someone else and still loveable. So I take a long, hot breath in and I think to myself, you have grown a millimeter and I am proud of you.

I smile to myself and then look over to see a very large, hairy man who is smiling with his eyes closed. Maybe we both think that a millimeter is just enough for today.