Band-aids on the mirror....

So I have returned from a whirlwind weekend. I was able to see most of my family, which made it so wonderful and eat a little crawfish! The funeral however was hard. Picture a hearse coming through town with interior lights illuminating the American flag covered coffin, the streets aligned with thousands of people waving American flags....it was a breath-taking military funeral for Seth.

Mourning has become common to me recently and actually bittersweet. I am at peace and after this weekend I realized that heaven doesn't seem so far away because there are more people there for me to love now.

My goal for this week is to make it to California, where I can hopefully average more than 4 hours of sleep, which has been the last weeks average! I am realizing that I long to laugh more, enjoy life fully, so if you want, a friend passed on a great joke about bandaids on the mirror and I would love to share it with you if you need a laugh!

Life is hard, it is a gift, and it should be cherished. Love well.

Hope your week was better than mine...

Spinning felt so good this morning, there was so much inside that I have failed to let out and so I just pushed harder and harder, hoping to release the tension inside. (boy did I sweat!) I have found myself retreating alot this week, going for a run around this lake near my house. I will be attending two funerals this weekend, I fly home this afternoon. I have found that with the pain of loss, fear has found me again.

Overwhelmed. I told this to the Lord as I ran another lap around the lake yesterday. I need You desperately. And once again He came.

So Louisiana bound for two days and then home and then California bound - this chick needs a little snowboarding break!

In Memory of Tracy Rupp

I haven't ever met Tracy Rupp, but she inspired me. There is a huge wooden carving of 6 dolphins erected from the base of tree. Each dolphin swimming toward the sky. It is a pretty phenomenal piece of work...people pass by some glance, others not even a look, and very few notice the small engravement - in memory of Tracy Rupp. I want to live a life which leaves inspiration.

Twice on deck, once before the pitch.....

This was my dad and I's little secret plan for getting rid of your nerves before batting. My dad would pitch to me in the backyard and he would tell me take one practice swing before the pitch and then you are ready. Well the next 13 years of baseball offered a lot of opportunities to try out his method. I would be so nervous, but I would religiously take two swings on deck, and then one practice swing before the pitch.

Early this morning, I spent some time praying on an empty baseballfield. Standing on homeplate looking straight onto the pitcher's mound, I felt that rush come back for a moment. Instinctively I thought, one practice swing and then you're ready. I remembered many times in the past I would reach too high for the ball or even strike out, yet everytime hearing my father's whisper, one swing and you are ready.

Very much like my life lately, I stand at the homeplate and I am so nervous because the pressures are on. Can I do it? Will this be too hard? What if I strike out? The questions run repeatedly through my mind, yet I heard the Father tell me this morning...one practice swing and you are ready.

What's Love Got to Do with It?

Absolutely everything.

I find myself on this Hallmark holiday contemplating the depth of love. As I am busy sending flowers, bath salts, cds and candies - I find there is left a void. These gifts say "i love you" or "i am for you" and "i love the way you laugh" but deeper still there is a longing to be sought after by one. A quiet desire to be known, accepted and even more to never be left.

There is a scene in "Lord of the Rings" we watched yesterday in church...Frodo is going off in a boat to take the ring, and Sam runs after him, yelling. Frodo says, no Sam, I am going alone. Sam, who can't swim begins to run into the water and without success, attempts to reach the boat. There is a look on his face as he is drowning, one of determination to live out his word, his commitment. Frodo comes back and pulls him in the boat, and looks at him in amazement, complete awe. Sam says, I made a promise to go with you, and I mean to do that.

No one is void this desire. We want someone to journey with us, fight for us, commit to us. I find that easily we look to a significant other, a best friend, a family - and I must say the feeling of true acceptance is completely intoxicating. When I take a moment to think, who is committed to me, faces come to mind, because without doubt, I know they are for me. It is powerful, because it is the closest earthly encounter we have to love of our Creator. Yet I would dare say these only subdue the true ache.

So as I worshipped my thoughts are consumed by His face, He is running after me. I feel skepticism, to hope this will quench my longing. It feels phenomenal today, but tomorrow I will ask Him again to scale the mountains for my heart and prove His faithfulness......and the awestricken fact is, He will.

As we all journey through life, attempting to love and asking to be loved, you can find me near.

Doubtlessly peer through these intentions

Hope for my best and offer your hand

Carry my armor when I am wounded

Ignore my scares and kiss my secret fears

this love makes me alive.

Camping Flagler Beach - Tosser, Bushwacker, Blaze, Breaker, and Cha-Cha survive camping through a storm!

Christmas 2004: Time with the family, fireworks, destroying gingerbread RVs, and laughing!

Having Lost All Sensitivity...

5:15 AM - every morning this week, and it is only Tuesday. Yikes! I have started teaching a spinning class at 5:45am and it is kicking my butt (so is the 63 year old woman in my class, I think I may just let her teach from here on out!). I thought I was a pretty funny and entertaining girl....but I found out I am not much of anything at that time!

I am beginning to feel more anxious as I think of my future, everyday I seem to here the voice begin to ask again....what will you make of this life of yours? My hearts response is so much different than before...whatever the Lord decides to make me passionate about, whatever He consumes my heart with! Well this sounds easy enough except when me, the most passionate person I know (other than Sarah Brown) has lost her passion.

So the adventure begins, as explore my passions anew. A small surge of excitement runs through as I feel this time it will look a little more healthier. This verse caught me this morning-

(paraphrased Ephesians 4:19; 5:!) you must no longer live in the futility of their thinking. having lost all sensitivity, with a continual lust for more. ....instead, live a life of love.

Having lost all sensitivity with a continual lust for more.....that is so much me. I have lost my sensitivity to anything around me because I am so consumed with myself. I am continually lusting for more. Whether it is because I don't want to feel the full weight of my heart or just enslaved to stimulation, I have become addicted to being entertained by everything. Even my times alone are monitored by a performance.

Here is the healing....instead, live a life of love! Oh wow, my heart melts as if a weight lifts and this secret hope is uncovered from the weight of these huge boulders I have carried for so long. You mean I can drop all of these things and just love, freely love?

Instead, live a life of love.